BPD From the perspective of a partner

For this one, I wanted to let my partner have a space to talk about his perspective of things, and the things he thinks I struggle with, and what he struggles with when it comes to my symptoms.

My partners perspective -

How I felt when told BPD

Initially when I was told about my partners BPD it did not necessarily register. Before that point BPD had never been something I had come across in my personal or professional life. My own understanding of mental health came from guidance I got professionally and TV/Film depictions. Therefore I felt a tad ill-equipped when Valentine first told me about it if I am being honest.

Challenges

The first challenge I found was the way I communicated did not always work very well in social situations with Valentine. Part of that being I often can be quite forgetful by nature and usually need prompts or reminders to keep on top of tasks. I often joke if I do not write something down, I will not remember it! This often led to miscommunications where Valentine became upset if I had forgotten to mention something I was doing that day or changed something very quickly at short notice. I had to learn to be a bit more organised in setting out what we were doing and if there would be any changes coming up.

One thing that sometimes poses a challenge for me is I often can go quite extended periods of time just happily not communicating verbally and seeming ‘zoned out.’ This sometimes has led to Valentine becoming concerned I do not want to spend time with her or am annoyed at her. This is not the case, as a teacher am constantly interacting with others all day. This can at times lead to me needing time to recharge from being overstimulated from a busy day’s teaching working with students. I have found I need these quiet times to keep myself going especially in busy periods of the academic year.

What things help and advice?

So I have distilled this bit into bullet points mainly so I can get it down into short helpful bits of information I picked up in the last couple of years. I would also stress these worked for me and my partner who has BPD it is not the gospel but just five ideas that seem to work.

1. Set clear boundaries if there is something you want to do in a certain way explain why. For example I hate things being on my side of the bed because I really like having things organised in a set way. Therefore I always ask Abi to put things away from my side of the bed.

2. Communicate if you need space or quiet time. This one is a big one for me. I have gotten into the habit of saying if I need quiet time if I am feeling a bit overwhelmed/tired due to work.

3. Try and provide reassurance as much as you can if something is worrying your partner with BPD. It can need some getting used too but it does help and can be a straightforward way to help them out.

4. If they are worried do not overthink it too much, often it can be a simple trigger for them. It will pass and you just must remind them how special they are.

5. Finally as obvious as this seems treat them like you would anybody else. Nobody likes to feel tiptoed around so just accept they are like anyone else.

I want to end this by giving my own thoughts and advice.

Having a healthy relationship is possible, but it takes work and effort on both sides. For me, I need to recognise when I need help but also when my partner needs space to decompress. Which is where bounderies and communication is super important. When we first started dating I remember needing more reassurance because it was a new environment, and we hadn't established those bounderies yet. But over time, we both learned what we both needed. For anyone with BPD its often hard to tell if a relationship is okay or not, so it can often be confusing. But I was lucky that both me and my partner were in a good headspace when we started dating, and with communication we learned to have a really good and happy relationship. This doesn't mean there hasn't been ups and downs, because no matter who you are those are always going to happen. But its about Being able to reassure yourself or your partner that no one is going to leave because of it.

Can BPD be cured?

The short answer? No it can’t.

The long answer? It’s complicated.

Unfortunately once you develop BPD, you can’t cure it. However you can go into ‘recovery’ where you experience little to no symptoms. But this only comes with a person with BPD actively working either with therapy and medication and self work to help combat their symptoms.

I’m lucky enough that for the past year i’ve been able to access private therapy. Which in turn, has helped me understand my symptoms and why they happen, and I have noticed I dont have as much splitting, and im for a lot of it able to manage my mood swings. However. I have my moments, even further down the line I will still have my moments where I struggle.

With the right support, people with BPD can learn healthy coping skills.

Usually DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) is the best way to treat BPD. For me I found Art therapy has been helping. So it’s therapy but I get to draw to help process my emotions and help talk through certain events.

Medication can also help manage certain symptoms. Again myself I'm also on medication to help manage some of my symptoms.

It has been found a mixture of therapy and medication can significantly help and persons quality of life when it comes to BPD.

Research suggests that’s as many as 70% of those with BPD have attempted suicide in their lifetime and 5-10% successfully complete suicide (Black, Blum et al. 2004; Zanarini, Frankenburg et al.

The reason I bring this up is because this means it is a life threatening disorder.

In Sheffield where I am. It can be extremely difficult to access the help that you need in order to get better. A lot of the general mental health services will not take on people with personality disorders. Then the services that do take on people with these disorders, their waiting lists are extremely long, and can take up to two years to be able to access the help. So in that time it means that the person with BPD has to do a lot of self work. Which is important. However it can be incredibly difficult. As it can be difficult trying to recognise patterns and behaviours. It also depends on if you have a good support system. Luckily for me I had that. So I was able to hang on until I got access to therapy. However it wasn’t without struggles.

This is to say. While it is absolutely up to people with BPD to help themselves to get better. For those around them if you can, give them space, be understanding. If you can help, that’s great. But let them know you’re not going to leave. Listen to when they cry. We don’t necessarily need problem solving, we most of the time just need to be listened to.

I don’t want anyone with BPD to read this and think that there’s no hope. Because that’s not true. It’s hard, and it takes a lot of work, and trust. Which I know isn’t easy. But you can get to a point where you can have a healthy and happy life, and be able to manage symptoms.

Splitting

Splitting is a concept you might have heard before. At its core, it is a defense mechanism used in people who have bpd.

In BPD, splitting refers to the tendency to perceive people, situations, or oneself in extreme, all-or-nothing terms, often oscillating between idealization and devaluation, without recognizing the nuances in between. It's a defense mechanism where individuals might view someone as either entirely good or completely bad, and these perceptions can shift rapidly and dramatically. 

BPD splitting involves intense shifts in perceptions and emotions. People may quickly alternate between idealising and devaluing people, situations, and themselves. This can lead to unstable relationships, rapid mood swings, impulsive behaviour, and difficulty tolerating ambiguity. These extreme shifts in thinking can cause emotional distress and challenges in maintaining balanced perspectives. https://leafcare.co.uk/blog/bpd-splitting-symptoms-and-causes/#:~:text=BPD%20splitting%20involves%20intense%20shifts,challenges%20in%20maintaining%20balanced%20perspectives.

The length of time with splitting honestly ranges from minutes to hours to even longer periods of time

Thinking about before I was on medication and in therapy, I would split, a lot, and its not a nice feeling, it was incredibly distressing, and I think I lost friendships because of it.

It’s important to understand that splitting comes from a place of fear. Where a person feels like they are in danger. Whether that danger is real or not. it serves to help reduce the stress of complex or contradicting emotions, and fears of abandonment.

It’s not a deliberate choice, but a subconscious strategy to protect oneself from negative emotions like loneliness or fear of abandonment.

Some examples.

Say you have a partner, one day you can see your partner as the most amazing person to ever exist, but if that person than makes a mistake, or what you perceive as a mistake, you can than unconsciously split and then see them as ‘the worst person in the world.’

This can even happen with self-perception.

You might see yourself as a good person one moment and then the worst person the next.

This can lead to strained relationships, emotional exhaustion, but also you can find it difficult to understand complex qualities in other people or situations.

Accountability

Now this may seem like a strange one to write about, however I feel like it’s important and it also leads into a bigger conversation. Having accountability, although may seem mean, but it’s really important, not just for someone with BPD. Being held accountable doesn’t mean screaming and shouting or pointing fingers. It means that our actions are our own and it can affect other people and vise verser.

For someone with BPD, life can be stressful, feeling like everyone is angry at you, so you push them away before they can hurt you. But you end up hurting them and also yourself. While having BPD causes severe distress and we end up doing reckless things, if we harm people, we need to able to apologise. But also looking at behaviours and seeing if there’s patterns, which can be incredibly difficult, which is why it’s important to have a good support system around you, people who have the understanding to know that your not doing it to actively hurt yourself or people around you, but also that will let you know when you need to step back and breathe.

From personal experience, it’s not easy, while I like to think I'm a good person, I know myself that I haven’t always been, there have been times where i’ve got into arguments, i’ve gotten upset, and not always been a good friend because my BPD was triggered.

Accountability techniques for individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) involve a combination of self-awareness, coping skills, and support from others. These techniques aim to help individuals with BPD manage their emotions, behaviors, and relationships more effectively. Key strategies include setting clear boundaries, practicing self-reflection, developing coping mechanisms, and seeking professional help. 

Journaling can be a very helpful thing. At first when it was recommended it to me, I didnt really put much salt into it. However over the years I have noticed a difference, and when I look through my old journals, I really see a big difference in how I am. It can be a good thing to try and spot certain triggers, and seeing how things happened and why.

Boundaries.

Bounderies is, I believe, probably one of the best and most important thing that you can do, both for people with bpd and for people who are around you. It might be a case where if you have bpd and there are certain people in your life that are purposely or just triggering it in general that you put in strict boundaries or having limited contact with that person. Having clear and consistent boundaries is really important, such as communication. This also goes for family members and people around those with bpd.

Accountability is also getting the help that you need, such as therapy, which i know that in the NHS waiting lists are i credibly high, which is why its a good idea to see if there’s any good mental health charities in your local area. It might also mean going on medication in order to help symptoms.

For family members.

Learning about bpd, reading scientific research and also personal experiences can really help you understand. But it also helps to understand what kind of boundaries you need to set and how to approach the person with bpd to help them get help.

Misdiagnosis

When it comes to a diagnosis, there is always unfortunately going to be cases where it’s the wrong diagnosis. in the BPD community, it is unfortunately not uncommon for it to happen. When we have these diagnoses such as autism, bipolar, and bpd which all have similar symptoms such as difficulties with interpersonal relationships, mood instability, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts, especially in women, it’s been found difficult to get an accurate diagnosis. In short, there needs to be more research in these disorders and how they present in women, this also leads into a bigger conversation about needing more research with autism and women. In one study it’s been found that a majority of the people in the study that had autism also had BPD. This is to say that, when you have autism, it can make you more vulnerable to developing other mental health disorders when experiencing repeated trauma as a child Dell’Osso L, Carpita B. What misdiagnoses do women with autism spectrum disorder receive in the DSM-5? CNS Spectrums. 2023;28(3):269-270. doi:10.1017/S1092852922000037

I do want to draw attention to sheffield s specifically, as that’s the city where i am, and I think it’s important to talk about it. Sheffield experiences high isolation in the UK, it also experiences high quantity of mental health issues, which in turn creates a high waiting list for diagnosis, and even to simply get a doctors appointment to get the ball rolling. This is not to blame doctors, but to simply shed some light. It shows we need more funding in the NHS, specifically for the mental health sector, and it’s why the charities in sheffield are so needed currently.

Ultimately, it is incredibly important that when we go to the doctors and psychiatrist, we have as much information as possible to help both of you to figure out what it is.

My personal experience with getting diagnosed with BPD.

I had been suffering really badly with intense mood swings, no feeling of sense of self, i had originally been diagnosed with manic depression, then years later I asked to be put on the waiting list for bpd/bipolar, when i was in the assessment and i had explained everything they diagnosed me with bpd, on the condition that I go through some therapy courses. Which i did do, and it took a good few years, but im finally in therapy.

It’s also really important to note that for a lot of people’s cases that it’s not murky with what diagnosis it is, some people like myself will have more obvious symptoms than others.

Its estimated that 75% of people that are diagnosed with bpd are women. There are suggestions that there is an over diagnosis on women who actually have austim because there isn’t enough research on women who have autism who mask.

What is BPD?

TRIGGER WARNING!!! including themes surrounding mental health, suicide and self harm.

BPD ‘borderline personality disorder’ also known as EUPD ‘emotionally unstable personality disorder’ is a personality disorder, that affects a persons self-image, and interpersonal relationships. Symptoms can include impulsivity, intense anger, feelings of emptiness, strong abandonment fears, suicidal or self-mutilation behaviour.

‘Personal experience’

When I was diagnosed in 2021 with BPD it felt so weird, because there were so many intense emotions that I was feeling. Angry, sad, glad. Angry at myself, at the people around me. Sad that its something that has affected me for so long, sad that I can’t be ‘normal’ or that I couldn’t just have simple emotions. It’s always, rage, emptiness, highs. There was no in between. Glad that I had an answer. Glad that I had options to alleviate some of my more severe symptoms.

I spent years being called overdramatic, too emotional. I was scared that everyone was going to leave me, and worse.. that I deserved it. It has taken four long!!! years. However I’m finally in a place where I can start regular psychotherapy, or to be specific art psychotherapy. It’s too early to tell if it will help, or if I need to find another type of psychotherapy, and I’m on sertraline to help with the anxiety and depression side of things. After my diagnosis I went into a sort of hole. Psychological that is. There are certain things that happen in order for BPD to form. While genetics can play a factor. A major part they have found in the majority of patients is emotional, physical, verbal, sexual and phycological abuse. Which can be a lot. Especially when you start to go over everything. It’s a painful process admitting that things happened. I would blame myself, for not being strong enough. Maybe if I hadn’t overreacted. That was a thought that I had constantly. While I was told by doctors when I was being diagnosed that they try not to diagnose anyone under the age of 24 (I was 23 at the time), there’s been research to suggest that diagnosing earlier could help with alleviating symptoms long term, as well as helping patients with BPD manage their disorder better thank patients who have been diagnosed later in life. (https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.21156)

All of this to say that it can be incredibly difficult going to the doctors about worries. Especially if you have a specific idea in your head. But it is important that if you do have worries, and things are difficult to try and talk to doctors and advocate for yourself, or have someone come with you and have them help advocate for you.

Some statistics:

In the UK between 2-3% of the population have been diagnosed with BPD. Which may not seem like a big number. However when the population of the UK is 68.35 million, that 2-3% may not seem so small.

To be even more specific for my area. In Sheffield, 17.1% of the adult population have a diagnosis of either depression or anxiety, while 0.9% of the adult population have a diagnosis of a more severe mental illness.

In Sheffield, individuals with a mental illness are at a higher risk of mortality compared to the general population. These mental health issues are linked with other health challenges such as chronic respiratory disease, musculoskeletal disorders, and neurological disorders.

Prevention is so important, and taking peoples mental health is incredibly important.