BPD From the perspective of a partner

For this one, I wanted to let my partner have a space to talk about his perspective of things, and the things he thinks I struggle with, and what he struggles with when it comes to my symptoms.

My partners perspective -

How I felt when told BPD

Initially when I was told about my partners BPD it did not necessarily register. Before that point BPD had never been something I had come across in my personal or professional life. My own understanding of mental health came from guidance I got professionally and TV/Film depictions. Therefore I felt a tad ill-equipped when Valentine first told me about it if I am being honest.

Challenges

The first challenge I found was the way I communicated did not always work very well in social situations with Valentine. Part of that being I often can be quite forgetful by nature and usually need prompts or reminders to keep on top of tasks. I often joke if I do not write something down, I will not remember it! This often led to miscommunications where Valentine became upset if I had forgotten to mention something I was doing that day or changed something very quickly at short notice. I had to learn to be a bit more organised in setting out what we were doing and if there would be any changes coming up.

One thing that sometimes poses a challenge for me is I often can go quite extended periods of time just happily not communicating verbally and seeming ‘zoned out.’ This sometimes has led to Valentine becoming concerned I do not want to spend time with her or am annoyed at her. This is not the case, as a teacher am constantly interacting with others all day. This can at times lead to me needing time to recharge from being overstimulated from a busy day’s teaching working with students. I have found I need these quiet times to keep myself going especially in busy periods of the academic year.

What things help and advice?

So I have distilled this bit into bullet points mainly so I can get it down into short helpful bits of information I picked up in the last couple of years. I would also stress these worked for me and my partner who has BPD it is not the gospel but just five ideas that seem to work.

1. Set clear boundaries if there is something you want to do in a certain way explain why. For example I hate things being on my side of the bed because I really like having things organised in a set way. Therefore I always ask Abi to put things away from my side of the bed.

2. Communicate if you need space or quiet time. This one is a big one for me. I have gotten into the habit of saying if I need quiet time if I am feeling a bit overwhelmed/tired due to work.

3. Try and provide reassurance as much as you can if something is worrying your partner with BPD. It can need some getting used too but it does help and can be a straightforward way to help them out.

4. If they are worried do not overthink it too much, often it can be a simple trigger for them. It will pass and you just must remind them how special they are.

5. Finally as obvious as this seems treat them like you would anybody else. Nobody likes to feel tiptoed around so just accept they are like anyone else.

I want to end this by giving my own thoughts and advice.

Having a healthy relationship is possible, but it takes work and effort on both sides. For me, I need to recognise when I need help but also when my partner needs space to decompress. Which is where bounderies and communication is super important. When we first started dating I remember needing more reassurance because it was a new environment, and we hadn't established those bounderies yet. But over time, we both learned what we both needed. For anyone with BPD its often hard to tell if a relationship is okay or not, so it can often be confusing. But I was lucky that both me and my partner were in a good headspace when we started dating, and with communication we learned to have a really good and happy relationship. This doesn't mean there hasn't been ups and downs, because no matter who you are those are always going to happen. But its about Being able to reassure yourself or your partner that no one is going to leave because of it.